Everyone is probably getting tired of hearing from me at this point. I know I'm getting tired of having to use the word "fail" in how things are coming along for me.
On Sunday night I slept maybe 1 to 2 hours, so yesterday I was a mess! All of the different things I've tried to help me sleep at night and use my machine or just sleep period have failed too (ambien, melatonin, ativan, sleepy time tea, and just trying to sleep).
I was talking to my son and he mentioned trying to use medical marijuana, as it's been shown to help with insomnia and getting better sleep. I guess at this point I'm just that desperate because like a big dummy I tried it. It didn't help me one bit! I just felt high and more stupid than I already feel.
I don't know what to do right now with myself. I have all of these suggestions of things to help my sleep quality improve, but it seems my body just doesn't want to sleep. I've tried taking naps today just to get some sleep, and I do fall asleep for a little while but end up waking up feeling super anxious with my heart racing. How is it humanly possible for me to not just fall out from exhaustion at this point?
How am I ever going to be able to determine if this machine will ever help me if I can't sleep? I am getting more and more cognitively impaired as the days go by. All day long unable to think clearly, memory impaired, making verbal errors consistently when speaking, and just an over all decline.
It feels like I'm in a no win situation: no sleep + no cpap= me just getting worse. I am feeling really depressed now. I wasn't at first, but now I am. I have been in bed for almost a week now. I haven't went anywhere, gotten up to clean, or anything.
I know this isn't a forum for people with depression or insomnia, but I don't know where else to turn. I feel like I'm losing brain cells everyday because of this repetitive spin on this hamster wheel. I just want to sleep..and use my machine.
07-21-2015, 07:46 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-21-2015, 08:27 PM by WakeUpTime.)
I'm so sorry about the struggle you're going through. I'm certainly no poster child for CPAP as I take 10mg of Ambien under the tongue each night. But it does work for me when every other thing I've tried just works as a relaxant. Even 5mg of Ambien just 'relaxes' rather than induces sleep. But, I do sleep and I do get enough oxygen thanks to loving the oxygen-producing results of my CPAP.
I don't mean to overstate the obvious but you've got to get some minimum level of sleep happening asap or things can get (or already are) very debilitating.
I haven't been following your threads/posts, but I hope you've either got someone that you're working with that's helping perfect the settings/mask situation. If not, start giving a lot of specifics and the incredible user base (and those masters) will probably chime in to give you some good ideas.
Getting physical movement during the day, minimizing caffeine and cutting out alcohol entirely are my personal must-do's.
Sleep Apnea has given me a terrible memory. Please forgive me if I've repeated myself.
You might like supportgroups.com.
But maybe you are putting too much blame and pressure on yourself. You have issues, but they are not your fault. Not being able to deal with them effectively is not your fault. And you are not stupid (you found us, didn't you?).
I have said this many times, but when things overwhelm, the best course is to simplify. Identify what is important, and concentrate on that. Identify what is not important, and table that for now. What needs to be done is to understand. Figure out what is going on by attacking each little brick in the wall on its own little terms. Win the war by picking all the little individual battles that you can win, in order. Then just go win each battle in succession. It is like cleaning out an overstuffed closet; at first it seems overwhelming, but as you take each item individually and make a decision as to what to do with it, eventually the whole closet looks perfect before you even know it.
Here's an example. You seem overwhelmed by all of the various factors. Instead, lets take SA individually, and just stop thinking about everything else all at the same time. What was your diagnosed AHI? What is it on xPAP? That will tell you how your doing. Forget about how you feel and everything else, just get that number as low as you can using what you learn here. Get SleepyHead and learn how to use it to figure out exactly how you are doing and how to do better. You've got a whole community here that can help you with that.
Once you get that number to a reasonable level, pick another battle to win. You might be surprised at how simple and easy it is to not just throw your hands up. Little successes will spur more little successes, until you have a whole pot-load of success built up, and self-confidence grows each time you have a success. Even little failures are successes, because you learn from them. You grow. So don't be afraid to try.
Feeling sorry for yourself will not help; that will only tend to get in your way. Talk to your friends and family, but realize that they will be pulling for you longer and harder if they think you are pulling for yourself. You can only go to that "oh, woe is me!" well so many times before it runs dry. And you seem to already be aware that such wells can run dry, so now is the time to maybe try something else. Don't forget, we're your friends and family, too.
You haven't failed, Dawn; you just haven't succeeded -- yet. You can get there.