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I'm a spouce
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Nancy Offline

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Post: #1
Angry I'm a spouce
I am a wife to a new CPAP user. I can't sleep! I couldn't sleep before and now I am sleeping less! It isn't the swishing of air. I think I resent that my young husband looks like someone from outer space and I can't cuddle, move around, etc... with him, worrying I will disturb him or the ridiculous mask. I thought the nasal thing would be smaller, and the hose smaller, and the machine and equipment has taken over the dresser. Here goes one more thing to pack when we go out of town, and he's so compulsive about it it is all we talk about... We have lived a very active healthy lifestyle no smoking, no drinking, exercising, we're not overweight, eat healthfully. Next will he be dragging around an idiotic oxygen machine which screams "Lazy smoker/drinker/ you brought this on by your own by poor choices." ARRGGGHHHH! I am the one who has been encouraging him to do this! But now I wish he didn't. He's sleeping, I am not.
09-22-2012 11:35 PM
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twindad Offline

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Post: #2
RE: I'm a spouce
Big Grin
(09-22-2012 11:35 PM)Nancy Wrote:  I am a wife to a new CPAP user. I can't sleep! I couldn't sleep before and now I am sleeping less! It isn't the swishing of air. I think I resent that my young husband looks like someone from outer space and I can't cuddle, move around, etc... with him, worrying I will disturb him or the ridiculous mask. I thought the nasal thing would be smaller, and the hose smaller, and the machine and equipment has taken over the dresser. Here goes one more thing to pack when we go out of town, and he's so compulsive about it it is all we talk about... We have lived a very active healthy lifestyle no smoking, no drinking, exercising, we're not overweight, eat healthfully. Next will he be dragging around an idiotic oxygen machine which screams "Lazy smoker/drinker/ you brought this on by your own by poor choices." ARRGGGHHHH! I am the one who has been encouraging him to do this! But now I wish he didn't. He's sleeping, I am not.

Hi Nancy,
I'm a husband who is a new cpap user. The addition of a cpap to the bedroom is an adjustment for both folks in a couple. My wife has adjusted well, but mine hasn't changed things for her that much. If she wants to lay her head on my shoulder, she does - I keep the hose on my other side. I have an uncle who fixed his hose to the headboard to keep it out of the way, and if your husband would do that with his hose, it'd probably stop the exhaust vents from blowing on you. I've told my wife that if leaks around the mask are keeping her awake to wiggle my mask or pull it away from my face and let it reseat. I believe that you can quit worrying about disturbing him or the mask, etc. Nothing my wife does disturbs mine or causes mask leaks. If you want to cuddle, you might try being the outside spoon of the pair with your front to his back so the mask and hose will be away from you - it works for me and my wife. You might can reclaim your dresser if you can put his machine on a small nightstand on his side of the bed. I'd venture to guess that you may have some resentment towards his machine for being an intruder into your bedroom and being a disruption, but you could try to think of it as a new member of the family that will keep your beloved husband healthy and keep him from snoring in your ear (like I snored in my wife's ear). If his new machine is all he talks about, you could try telling him," I wish you'd pay me as much attention as you are that machine!" I's also expect you to do as my wife has done - she absolutely forbid me to wear the mask during 'intimacy'. Smile
09-23-2012 01:10 AM
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PaulaO2 Offline
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Post: #3
RE: I'm a spouce
Wow. You have some serious issues with this.

No, he will not be needing to take an oxygen tank everywhere. He has sleep apnea, not emphysema or lung cancer. Sleep apnea is a throat thing, not a lung thing. And, for the record, not everyone who uses those portable oxygen machines was a smoker nor overweight. There's miners, factory workers, asbestos workers, adult children of smokers, cystic fibrosis, etc.

Yes, the gadgetry connected to this can be a pain in the ass if you let it be. There's the machine, the mask, the hose, the cord, the jug of water. Some of the newer machines, though, look nice and very non-medical. My previous model was huge and ugly. My current one is small and unobtrusive. It is also very quiet. Some people put their CPAP in a dresser drawer, but leave it open when in use. Then, during the day, toss the hose and mask in there and shut the drawer.

Yes, it is one more thing to pack up. However, CPAP machines are so small right now, they are not that big a deal. And since it is medical equipment, it doesn't count toward your luggage limit on US airlines.

Yes, new users tend to obsess about it. I think that's a good sign. Far too many give up far too soon.

The noise could be the mask but more than likely it is the exhaust from the mask hitting the pillow or the sheets that make the most noise. Consider getting a white noise machine or play quiet, calm music. I have an app on my iPod Touch called White Noise. I use it a lot to help relax or block out sounds.

As for cuddling, you can spoon his back or, scoot down in the bed so his head is higher than yours and he can spoon you. Lay down together during the day, with the mask and machine on, and figure out how to do all this. Don't wait until you're both tired and ready for bed. And try using his machine. Put on the mask and try to understand his point of view. Then have him lay down in your spot and understand yours.

I can completely understand some of your frustrations but, to be honest here, get over it. That machine you hate so much? It is keeping your husband alive and allowing the two of you to have a wonderful life together. Untreated sleep apnea can lead to a lot of other conditions ranging from high blood pressure to heart problems to other fun stuff. And if you think that machine is a pain, wait until you have a wheelchair for him. Now those are an absolute joy to have around.

Learn to work around the issues together. He has to wear that thing every time he goes to sleep, probably for the rest of his life. He's the one that has to deal with the hose, the mask, and the adjusting. If all you have to worry about is the noise, cuddling, and another bag to pack, consider yourself lucky and blessed.

PaulaO2
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Breathe deeply and count to zen.

INFORMATION ON APNEA BOARD FORUMS OR ON APNEABOARD.COM SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED AS MEDICAL ADVICE. ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF A PHYSICIAN BEFORE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR MEDICAL CONDITIONS, INCLUDING SLEEP APNEA. INFORMATION POSTED ON THE APNEA BOARD WEB SITE AND FORUMS ARE PERSONAL OPINION ONLY AND NOT NECESSARILY A STATEMENT OF FACT.
09-23-2012 01:38 AM
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zonk Offline

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Post: #4
RE: I'm a spouce
(09-22-2012 11:35 PM)Nancy Wrote:  Next will he be dragging around an idiotic oxygen machine which screams "Lazy smoker/drinker/ you brought this on by your own by poor choices." ARRGGGHHHH! I am the one who has been encouraging him to do this! But now I wish he didn't.
We need a special thread support and encouragement for spouses

Welcome to Apnea Board, Nancy
You've done the right thing to encourage him and probably now he need your support more than ever.
PAP is nothing to be embarrassed about, Its just air not like being confined to a wheel chair or diagnosed with cancer or some terminal disease, etc...

Poll: How supportive is your partner
http://www.apneaboard.com/forums/Thread-...ur-partner
09-23-2012 01:40 AM
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Sleepster Offline
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Post: #5
RE: I'm a spouce
(09-22-2012 11:35 PM)Nancy Wrote:  I couldn't sleep before and now I am sleeping less!

You say you're getting regular exercise. Are you taking some medication that keeps you awake? Too much caffeine, maybe? Stress? Have you considered couples therapy?

Quote:It isn't the swishing of air. I think I resent that my young husband looks like someone from outer space and I can't cuddle, move around, etc... with him, worrying I will disturb him or the ridiculous mask. I thought the nasal thing would be smaller, and the hose smaller, and the machine and equipment has taken over the dresser.

There are different masks he can try. You can go online and look at pictures of them.

If you disturb him by cuddling he'll have to deal with that, but I wouldn't make the assumption that he would.

If it disturbs you then you'll have to deal with that. Without CPAP therapy your husband will lead a miserable sleep-deprived life and die early of a heart attack or stroke. With CPAP therapy he'll enjoy a greater functionality in all areas of his life, including his sex life.

Quote:Here goes one more thing to pack when we go out of town, and he's so compulsive about it it is all we talk about...

That'll pass and it'll become just part of his normal life.

Sleepster
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INFORMATION ON APNEA BOARD FORUMS OR ON APNEABOARD.COM SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED AS MEDICAL ADVICE. ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF A PHYSICIAN BEFORE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR MEDICAL CONDITIONS, INCLUDING SLEEP APNEA. INFORMATION POSTED ON THE APNEA BOARD WEB SITE AND FORUMS ARE PERSONAL OPINION ONLY AND NOT NECESSARILY A STATEMENT OF FACT.
(This post was last modified: 09-23-2012 01:06 PM by Sleepster.)
09-23-2012 01:05 PM
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Nancy Offline

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Post: #6
RE: I'm a spouce
I am exhausted all the time. I run 6 miles a day so I can live a long life myself. Aand I also need sleep, doesn't my sleep deprevation affect my heart? my quality of life? My heart functions? I work, he's retired, we still have 3 kids at home...I still do the lion's share of their errands. But I have to wake him and set his mask right? I have to adjust my sleep patterns while he slumbers blissfully on. I am getting less and less sleep! I am the one who wakes up, I am the one to nudge him and make all the adaptations and rouse him when things go astray. When do I get my sleep? White noise? I have an ipod I sleep with every night, Still I wake up, he sleeps, I do not. I cannot be the only spouse who is losing sleep while their husband slumbers on. He needs support? He's sleeping. What more support does he need?
09-23-2012 05:27 PM
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Allen Offline

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Post: #7
RE: I'm a spouce
I am also new to cpap therapy having only been using a cpap machine for 6 nights now, but my partner has had no trouble adapting to my wearing a mask and the hose attached to it, in fact we both get a better nights sleep.

How about sleeping in another room and then you won't have to worry about waking him to set his mask right.
09-23-2012 05:53 PM
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SuperSleeper Offline

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Post: #8
RE: I'm a spouce
(09-22-2012 11:35 PM)Nancy Wrote:  I am a wife to a new CPAP user. I can't sleep! I couldn't sleep before and now I am sleeping less! It isn't the swishing of air. I think I resent that my young husband looks like someone from outer space and I can't cuddle, move around, etc... with him, worrying I will disturb him or the ridiculous mask. I thought the nasal thing would be smaller, and the hose smaller, and the machine and equipment has taken over the dresser.

Quote: I am the one who has been encouraging him to do this! But now I wish he didn't. He's sleeping, I am not.

(09-23-2012 05:27 PM)Nancy Wrote:  I am exhausted all the time. I run 6 miles a day so I can live a long life myself. Aand I also need sleep, doesn't my sleep deprevation affect my heart? my quality of life? My heart functions? I work, he's retired, we still have 3 kids at home...I still do the lion's share of their errands. But I have to wake him and set his mask right? I have to adjust my sleep patterns while he slumbers blissfully on. I am getting less and less sleep! I am the one who wakes up, I am the one to nudge him and make all the adaptations and rouse him when things go astray. When do I get my sleep? White noise? I have an ipod I sleep with every night, Still I wake up, he sleeps, I do not. I cannot be the only spouse who is losing sleep while their husband slumbers on. He needs support? He's sleeping. What more support does he need?

Surprised no one else saw what the problem is here, Nancy.

Here's the issue: You have an eye problem.... or rather an "I" problem.

Annoyed-and-disappointed

Like Paula said "get over it". Start by accepting your husband's CPAP as part of him now (since it's necessary for him to live a healthy life). You both need to work to solve any issues here, together.; do what you have to do; follow some of the suggestions listed here by others. But above all, drop the obvious resent-filled attitude that it's all about you.

And I'm as serious as a OSA-induced heart attack. Oh-jeez

Remember this: "Cuddle Time" is cuddle time, "Sleep Time" is sleep time, and the two should not mix. Both happen in bed, but they are two different things. Have the cuddle time first, then go to sleep. Don't be trying to mix cuddling with sleeping. If you need to hold onto something during sleep, cuddle with a large pillow.

Of course, if you can't seem to be getting sleep, maybe it's YOU that needs to go in for an overnight sleep study - you might have some sort of sleep disorder that might be contributing to your frustration here. Dont-know

SuperSleeper
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INFORMATION ON APNEA BOARD FORUMS OR ON APNEABOARD.COM SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED AS MEDICAL ADVICE. ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF A PHYSICIAN BEFORE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR MEDICAL CONDITIONS, INCLUDING SLEEP APNEA. INFORMATION POSTED ON THE APNEA BOARD WEB SITE AND FORUMS ARE PERSONAL OPINION ONLY AND NOT NECESSARILY A STATEMENT OF FACT.

09-23-2012 06:13 PM
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Sleepster Offline
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Post: #9
RE: I'm a spouce
My wife gets a bit of a breeze in her hair from my exhalation port, and she doesn't like the fact that she can't cuddle up to my face. But she sure does like the no-more-snoring!

Sleepster
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INFORMATION ON APNEA BOARD FORUMS OR ON APNEABOARD.COM SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED AS MEDICAL ADVICE. ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF A PHYSICIAN BEFORE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR MEDICAL CONDITIONS, INCLUDING SLEEP APNEA. INFORMATION POSTED ON THE APNEA BOARD WEB SITE AND FORUMS ARE PERSONAL OPINION ONLY AND NOT NECESSARILY A STATEMENT OF FACT.
09-23-2012 06:21 PM
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PaulaO2 Offline
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Post: #10
RE: I'm a spouce
Okay, I think there are other issues going on. If you truly think the way you say, then there's nothing we can do to help.

This is not a sleep apnea problem. This is a communication issue between you and your husband. His sleep apnea has offered you a chance to vent somewhere.

Consider couple's counseling.

PaulaO2
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Breathe deeply and count to zen.

INFORMATION ON APNEA BOARD FORUMS OR ON APNEABOARD.COM SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED AS MEDICAL ADVICE. ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF A PHYSICIAN BEFORE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR MEDICAL CONDITIONS, INCLUDING SLEEP APNEA. INFORMATION POSTED ON THE APNEA BOARD WEB SITE AND FORUMS ARE PERSONAL OPINION ONLY AND NOT NECESSARILY A STATEMENT OF FACT.
09-23-2012 06:28 PM
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