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I'm a spouce
09-24-2012, 06:36 AM
Hi Nancy, adjusting to this type of change is tough, If you have raised 8 kids together and made it through, your marriage is strong enough to take this. You are obviously tired and sleep deprived, as your hubby has been for quite some time now. If you love him and want him around, work with him to solve these issues. Get a different mask, put a fan beside your bed to hide the noise, cuddle and then he can put his mask on. He's talking about this all the time because this is a HUGE change for him too. Yes, you have to adjust but that is your job as the support partner in his life, as he would do for you. Remember "For better or worse and in sickness and in health"? Tell him how you are feeling but remember this is a medical condition that he has that is NOT his fault. If he was in an accident and lost a leg would you complain about bringing a wheelchair everywhere? This is no different, if he doesn't use this machine, it's only a matter of time before you have the bed to yourself.
09-24-2012, 08:34 AM
Yes, this is a huge adjustment for both your husband and you.
Yes, you will have to adjust your intimacy and sleep habits.
Yes, you have every right to your health and well being.
Yes, your husband and you will have to communicate, compromise, and adjust.
Yes, this therapy will likely extend your time to be annoyed about all of the above for many years with your living husband.
You sound capable, loving, and committed. Vent here, no problem. Look for help here, no problem. We get very few spouses, and maybe we're not geared to addressing their issues properly.
Just as the many people who are challenged by adapting to their CPAP therapy, I'm very sorry you're having issues, please stick with it, it will get better, the benefit is very worth it!
09-24-2012, 09:07 AM
Since you didn't like the suggestion of sleeping in another room perhaps you could try ear plugs and a sleep mask.
My partner and I kiss & hug each other before I setup my machine for the night and then I sleep on my side facing the machine and my partner comes to bed once I'm in bed and lies beside me with an arm over me.
My partner and I sleep in a queen size bed, we don't have bed side tables as the room is only 10' X 12' so I bought a small 2 drawer filing cabinet to keep my cpap accessories and manuals in and the cpap machine on top.
People here are only trying to offer you ideas they feel are helpful but you shoot down every suggestion made without even giving it proper consideration.
09-24-2012, 01:46 PM
I can understand your frustrations & need to vent (hopefully being able to vent here will help a little)
I also know that I have had many people give me suggestions to try to help with situations & that I do have a bit of a Negative or close minded first response (not criticizing or accusing you of the same) but over time I have noticed that I need time to think of some of the advice & am finding after a bit of time I am able to try them, But it has a lot to do with my mood or mental state at the time.
It has been many years now that I can't get to sleep & my wife can do it in seconds so she isn't too bothered by my scuba gear & I was so hoping after the sleep study that it would not be sleep apnea because who whats all of the space junk on.
I can see that having a small room with no room for a bedside table to put the equipment on can be a pain & having it up high on your dresser gets in the way & if it gets pulled off to the floor may result in very expensive repairs.
As far as the green glow goes (not knowing hes machine manufacture or model) is it a single light that comes on when there is a leak? (if so there may be there is a setting that can be changed to prevent this) or some black electrician tape to cover it.
If it is a large lit area then tame may not be practical.
As far as putting it under the bed you could try a plastic storage bin that will fit under the bed with a portion of the led cut away that would still allow air flow but wouldn't be exposed with direct contact to the floor to suck in any dust bunnies.
The other thing that I don't think I have noticed in this post (I may have missed) is have you seek-ed medical help for you inability to get to sleep (it seems you have mentioned not being able to sleep for a long time)
I know with my self my sleep apnea is only a small part of my sleep disorders & it has taking years to get a Dr. to take me seriously to get a sleep study (I complained every time I went to a Dr. but was only referred to a over night sleep study after doing a study I found at London Drugs & it was a small box I wore for 5 or 6 night & with that report showing my broken fragmented sleep & poor oxygen levels she gave me a referral for my Dr. to say "This is what I have been trying to get across to you Drs."
She also recommended Zopiclone to help me get to sleep.
All I am saying is you seem to be getting no sleep your self & there may be something to help you, maybe its time for you to get some medical attention to try to find a reason & remedy for you to get some sleep.
I know what it is like when you do not get enough sleep how irritable you become & with anger & resentment the vicious circle of depression starts & that creates sleep issues & it just goes on & on but gets worse & worse.
As a mother of 8 children & taking care of your Hubie you are under a huge stress level I know in a lot of cases Women end up doing more than most of us are aware of.
So maybe it is time to get some attention because it sounds like you are getting very stressed out & this could lead to a break down.
I hope some of this will help
Hi Nancy - I have to say that when I first read this thread I thought it was a troll. It seemed a caricature of all the reasons people trump up to avoid submitting to CPAP therapy _themselves_....
I now understand better and can see the hurt you are suffering... you have made a big turnaround in your own life through weight loss, having taken the trouble to understand your conditions and its inevitable outcome, as well as how to manage and improve it. I can't believe that the major lifestyle and other changes needed to make that happen did not have an impact on your husband and family through changes to food and routine.
Thing is - you husband has a different condition that needs to be managed differently with a different impact. It is true that people do not die from OSA directly - but it is a major co-morbidity factor for almost every other cause of death for middle aged men. Every thing from stroke and heart attack through to fatal road traffic crashes. When we say that your husband needs your support what we mean is that there are enough self-esteem and other issues in having to sleep for the rest of your life with a face mask and machine, without a spouse telling us that we are ruining their life. I cannot speak to the way that your marriage can be tweaked to deal with the issues but I can say that if your husband continues with treatment your time together could well be ten or more years longer....
The things that you find objectionable fall into a couple of areas....
1. Mask slippage. This should not be an ongoing problem - particularly if your husband is not a restless sleeper. The mask is very likely to be misfitted or the wrong type. This is almost completely fixable and should be taken back to your supplier to help with.
2. Machine noise. I find that one hard to make suggestions on because the noise my machine makes is less than an air-conditioner or even a room fan. If the mask is noisy then the comments in 1 above apply.
3. Sharing the marital bed... There is no doubt that is the area where the largest adjustment can be required. There are no formula answers for that and you will need to work it out.... It may be that some outside help in discovering wider points of focus and avoid getting focus lock on the most obvious issues. (as a side note - one side effect of CPAP therapy in many men is a restoration of lost libido...)
I wish you all the best in sorting this out and hope you have a long life together...
By the way - my wife also is a difficult sleeper but lying there waiting for me to take a gasping breath after a 90 second apnea is no longer one of them.... nor is being wakened by my loud snores.... She still doesn't like my machine but takes the view that, on balance, it is better for 'us' that I have the therapy.
09-24-2012, 08:12 PM
Nancy, if you just want to vent go ahead. If you want suggestions, don't belittle people for making them. Apparently the light is an issue for you, how about cuttng a small piece of cloth to drape over the display at night? If it is thick enough, it cures the light problem. Sound, well, I have a hard time understanding this because I think you said your husbands machine is of the newer variety. My wife complained about the noise from my old machine years ago but compared to the machines back then, modern machines are silent. So the only thing I can figure is that the vent is making noise against the sheet or he keeps having leak problems. Someone already suggested that maybe you could have him sign on here and we could try to help him troubleshoot a leak problem. As far as how he looks, well, without this equipment you could cuddle up next to a nice quiet corpse. Looks is something you just need to get over. Personally I do not understand how you can be this upset about looks. But maybe I am lucky that my wife doesn't care about that.
So you championed your husband to get his sleep problem taken care of. Don't you think maybe it is time to do the same for yourself? It sounds like your main concern is now he is sleeping and you are not. You have the power to take care of that. But you have to do it for yourself. I''ll admit I waited sometime to answer this because my knee jerk reaction was certainly not complementary, but I realize you are frustrated and you need to take it out somewhere. Hopefully, you are frustrated enough to help yourself by going to the doctor. Oh I know, with your family history you probably don't want to go to the doc because you don't want bad news. Well it is your choice, but only you have the power to help yourself.
As always, YMMV! You do not have to agree or disagree, I am not a professional so my mental meanderings are simply recollections of things from my own life.
PRS1 - Auto - A-Flex x2 - 12.50 - 20 - Humid x2 - Swift FX
09-24-2012, 10:53 PM
I'm closing this thread. Several well-thought out suggestions were given to Nancy. I thank all who participated in this thread.
Nancy, I sincerely hope you can resolve these issues.
Apnea Board Administrator
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