I'm a spouce

[trish6hundred]

Hi Nancy, Do you realize how self-centered you sound? It is a good thing that your husband did go in for that sleep study, he needs your support now more than ever. I know you are having issues with this situation. But maybe if you stopped dwelling so much on how everything CPAP effects "YOU,," things might go a bit better for you in the long run.
BTW, My husband teases me by gentlly playing with my hose, wiggling it around,) every now and then. He knows it's something I need and he finds fun new ways to make it a part of both of our lives, make lemonade out of lemons.

[Bobshouse]

Do what my wife did...move to another bedroom. Maybe twin beds or a california king would work for you two?

[zonk]

But I have to wake him and set his mask right?

Maybe ask him to join the forum so we can trouble shoot where the leak is coming from. Masks designed to leak through the vents holes to allow exhaled air to escape, Some masks are quieter than others. Its good to know what mask and machine he is using, Some machine record efficacy data such as AHI and leak and the data info is displayed on the LCD screen and by the SD card if using the software.

[Nancy]

Gosh you guys are right. My lack of sleep is all about me. GEE! Why didn't IIIIIII think of that. So I am P*ssed and awake. Just go to another room? The couch or my kids' room? Yep I will be OK cause it's my problem. I thought this board was to vent, applaud, or exchange info. Seriously I am the only wife who's had an issue? Someone else try to run a household on less than 5 hours of interrupted sleep and see how graciously they respond to this new intrusion in their life. Remember I encouraged this, now it is a chasm between my normally congenial mood and this new one. He'll sleep great because I am the one making sure he gets it. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Somehow I managed to raise 8 children (3 still at home), but now getting a goodnight's sleep is my problem. Maybe, just maybe if I slept just one night through this past week I might not be so defensive. Maybe waking up to an errie green glow in the room and the sight of this new alien being lying beside with all of his out-of-earth accouterments; his mask askew might be less evasive if I were getting enough sleep too. All we need here is the Twillight Zone's theme song and Rod sterling's voice over..."Only in the Twillight Zone" Yes I agree it is a communication problem. That is why I came here on this forum instead of going to him. I thought I might get a "chin up, it will get better" from another spouse who's "been there done that".

[PollCat]

Nancy, I agree with the others. My wife and I have been married for 41 years; she's the person that 'forced' me to see a sleep doc back in '95. We have slept in a king-sized bed for decades and I only donned the mask when we were getting ready to SLEEP. Any other bedroom activities do not require the immediate wearing of the therapy equipment. The only time she ever complained about the equipment is when the machine started to whistle, keeping us both awake.

For the last several years she's been sleeping in the guest room because I couldn't sleep in a wind tunnel (she sleeps with a window open and a medium-sized fan blowing on her).

Oh, and about the placement of the machine, you may want to consider putting it under the bed and running the hose over/through the headboard. I find that a 10 foot hose works well for this set-up. And with the bed muffling the sound, it's really quite in the bedroom.

[PaulaO2]

We've all given advice but you have yet to respond to any of it. No matter what any of us say, you don't seem willing to respond in a way that encourages more positive advice. It is as if you are screaming you are on fire so we hand you a bucket of water. But instead of pouring it on yourself, you throw it back at us.

Gosh you guys are right. My lack of sleep is all about me. GEE! Why didn't IIIIIII think of that. So I am P*ssed and awake. Just go to another room? The couch or my kids' room? Yep I will be OK cause it's my problem. I thought this board was to vent, applaud, or exchange info. Seriously I am the only wife who's had an issue? Someone else try to run a household on less than 5 hours of interrupted sleep and see how graciously they respond to this new intrusion in their life.

This is what we mean by you seeming to only thinking of yourself. Shall I start a poll to ask how many of us have actually had less than 5 hrs of sleep for years? We welcome the intrusion of the CPAP because it gives us our life back. Oddly enough, nearly all of our partners welcome the intrusion, too.

Remember I encouraged this, now it is a chasm between my normally congenial mood and this new one. He'll sleep great because I am the one making sure he gets it. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Somehow I managed to raise 8 children (3 still at home), but now getting a goodnight's sleep is my problem.

Again with the martyrdom. On the one hand, I'm glad you cared enough about your husband to make him seek help. On the other hand, when you sought help for yourself, all you have done is get mad at any advice we offer.

Maybe, just maybe if I slept just one night through this past week I might not be so defensive. Maybe waking up to an errie green glow in the room and the sight of this new alien being lying beside with all of his out-of-earth accouterments; his mask askew might be less evasive if I were getting enough sleep too. All we need here is the Twillight Zone's theme song and Rod sterling's voice over..."Only in the Twillight Zone" Yes I agree it is a communication problem. That is why I came here on this forum instead of going to him. I thought I might get a "chin up, it will get better" from another spouse who's "been there done that".

Here's some advice: cover the top of the machine with a small hand towel. It will block the light. When his mask isn't right, wake him up and make him fix it. Tell him what you are thinking and how you are feeling. Try to work through the issues. If you still can't work through them, make him go to the couch while you get the bed.

There, another bucket to help you put out your fire.

Your posts come across as bitter and angry. You say you are bitter and angry. What do you want us to do? Give you permission to tell him to stop using it? Give you permission to get divorced?

Nearly all of us that have responded to this thread have given you good advice. Have you tried any of it? Are you even willing to try any of it?

Only one other member has said anything even slightly negative as to what they and their bed partners did to solve the issue. Yet your only response is to yet again vent your spleen at us.

Most of the spouses that come here, come to ask advice on how to help their bed partner. Nearly all of us that have a partner have managed to work around the issues. Most of our partners are willing to work around the issues because they would rather see us healthy and not snoring. My partner willingly tolerated the CPAP because it was quieter than the snoring. The sound of air was better than the windows rattling.

[Sleepster]

Nancy, I have a sister who was married to her first husband for probably almost twenty years. They raised two kids before they split up. In all that time he had never paid a single bill. When I heard that I thought, "Who's fault is that?"

Your situation with your husband retired and you running all the errands for the three kids brings the same thought to my mind.

I think you should tell your husband that you need to sit down and really talk to him about these issues. Get them sorted out. He'll understand. We do kind of freak out when we find out we've got sleep apnea. As children we think of the time we spend sleeping as wasted time. As we get older our attitudes change a bit as we realize we need to sleep, but we still have that same basic notion that sleep time is wasted time. Then when we find out we have sleep apnea that reverses completely. Sleep suddenly becomes the focus of our attention, and becomes the most important thing in our lives. We need to remind ourselves that the reason we sleep is so that we can enjoy the time we spend awake, sharing it with our family and friends, and if we're lucky, earning a living.

Good luck to you.

[SuperSleeper]

Wow, Nancy... just wow.

My head hurts.

[Nancy]

Ok..I am here to listen, really I am. But some of this advice doesn't fit our family. No I will not move my self to a twin bed or another room or even across the state. Besides where would i sleep...with my teenagers kids? Those are ridiculous suggestions. Our room isn't very large, we live in a small house we sleep in an antique full-sized bed. My dresser with my things in it is the "night stand" That's how much room we have. Can we store it under the bed? With the dust???? Cuddling doesn't mean sex. It means entwined in each others legs and holding hands at night. Martyr? Ha who has time? Facts are facts. I thought this machine would be the size of a small fishtank air pump. I thought the nose thing would be the size of a cannula...not an underwater breathing device. I thought I would get some sleep after 25 years of him snoring until I woke him up or listening for his next gasp of air... Am I on medications, no. Caffeine, no. Sleeping pills...Bought them. So, I am a bit disillusioned. Quite a bit. And I am tired after a week. Once awakened I find it hard to go back to sleep. The green glow of the lights, the air swishing, the mask askew, the air now rushing, Robert laying supine on his back, stiff as a board, oblivious to it all. Again I am so tired... So tired I missed church for the first time in years so I can "catch-up" But I can't do that every Sunday. I needed to vent, I needed not a fix it, but a you can do it. All of you CPAP users who's spouses are happily living in another bed/room WOW! Is that really the ONLY solution? Distance...long distance. do I think it is cute when someone is playful about the hose. I'm just not there yet. Funny all you people who think I am selfish? If the rolls were reversed, I would be doing my utmost to make sure my medical condition didn't interfere with my husband's lifestyle. I know this because that it how I am wired. I was "morbidly obese" (as per my DR) Three members of my family has died in the last 3 years from heart disease and complications of diabetes. I took stock. I didn't want to put my family through that. I didn't want my husband pushing me around in a wheelchair because I was fat and had had my feet amputated. Like my SIL; I don't want to be blind because I'd rather be fat. I didn't want to live with a handful of pills or insulin injections just because I was too lazy to exercise and making healthy choices was too hard. I didn't want to die at 54 (like my brother). I've lost the weight. I now run six miles a day although when I started I couldn't run 2 minutes. I can do hard things. But I can't if I am more sleep deprived than I was a week ago. I did it for me and for my family. To make everything good for everyone else. Is that being a martyr or is that being considerate? Yes there are a lot of Is in here because It is me who is dealing with this transition. Robert isn't bothered, he is getting sleep, unless I wake him because his mask has been thrown askew. Back to sleep he goes, and I lay there awake. With my white noise. With the blinking green lights until the mask slips again. I will talk to him. I can't imagine what his solution would be since he doesn't even realize his mask is off. Believe it or not. Venting helps. So I suppose I should thank-you.

[jbtuggers]

Move to another bed problem solved.