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Laugh, I Almost Cried! (Jokes)
Laugh, I Almost Cried! (Jokes)
Did you hear about my brother who slept with his head under the pillow?
When he woke up, he discovered the fairies had taken all his teeth!

Did you hear about the idiot who found a feather in his bed?
He thought he had chicken pox?

Did you hear about the man who heard a mouse squeaking one night?
He got up to oil it!

Did you hear about the man who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
He kept popping out of bed all night!

Did you hear about the man who slept under an old tractor?
He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.

Did you hear about the parents who called their baby 'Caffeine?'
It kept them awake all night!

Do elephants snore?
Only when they're asleep.

'Doctor, doctor, how can I cure myself of sleepwalking?'
'Put drawing-pins on the bedroom floor.'

'Doctor, doctor, I can't get to sleep at night.'
'Lie on the edge of the bed, then, and you'll soon drop off.'

'Doctor, doctor, I haven't slept for days.'
'Why not?'
"Because I sleep at night!'

'Doctor, doctor, I wake up feeling terrible! My head spins and the room goes round and round!'
'You must be sleeping like a top!'

'Doctor, doctor, I walk in my sleep!'
'Remember to take money for the bus, then!'

Doctor, doctor, I'm always dreaming about cricket.'
'Don't you ever dream about girls?'
'What? And miss my innings?'

How can you shorten a bed?
Don't sleep long on it.

How can you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
When the bed touches the ceiling.

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

How do you know if there's an elephant in your bed?
By the big E on his pyjamas.

How do you know when someone is sleeping like a log?
When you hear them sawing.
How else?
There are peanut shells all over the bed.

'I want a divorce.'
'My wife smokes in bed.'
It's not that bad, is it?'
'Yes it is. She smokes kippers!'

'I'd like to buy a new bed, please.'
:'Certainly, sir. Spring mattress?
'Oh, no. I'd like to use it all the year round.'

'My bed's too short and every night my feet freeze because they stick out from under the covers.'
'Why don't you curl up so you can put your feet under the covers?'
'What? I'm not putting those cold things in bed with me!'

Shall I tell you the joke about the bed?
I can't: it hasn't been made up yet!

What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?
A knight-gown.

What did the cannibal say when he saw a sleeping missionary?
'Oh, yummy! Breakfast in bed!'

What does a cat rest its head on when it goes to sleep?
A caterpillar.

What does one good turn do for you?
Give you all the blankets.

What happened when my brother dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
When he woke up, his pillow had gone! And he was a little down in the mouth . . .

What has four legs, but only one foot?
A bed.

What horse sleeps only at night?
A nightmare.

What is a sleeping heifer called?
A bulldozer.

What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?
Cot-on wool.

What overpowers you without hurting you?

What question can never be answered with 'yes?'
Are you asleep?

What should you do if you find an elephant asleep in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else!

What should you do it there's a tarantula in your bed?
Hide in the wardrobe!

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
'The top side!'

What's huge and grey and sends people to sleep?
A hypno-potamus.

What's the best advice to give a worm?
Sleep late!

What's the difference between a feather bed and a poor man?
One is soft down, the other is hard up.

What's the laziest letter of the alphabet?
E - because it's always in bed.

When is it proper to go to bed with your shoes on?
When you're a horse.

Where do baby monkeys sleep?

Where do bed-lovers live?

Where do strawberries sleep?
In strawberry beds.

'Why are you late for work?'
'There are eight of us in the family, but the alarm clock was set for seven.'

Why did idiot put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.

Why did my brother take his bicycle to bed with him?
Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.

Why did my brother throw away his alarm clock?
It kept going off when he was asleep.

Why did my dad lose his job in the mattress factory?
He fell awake on the job.

Please feel free to add your own! Too-funnyToo-funnyToo-funnyToo-funnyLaugh-a-lot
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