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Scared to death!
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archangle Offline
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Post: #51
RE: Scared to death!
(04-14-2015 02:04 PM)Mich Wrote:  This is going to sound harsh but there is absolutely no love in that marriage. His actions prove that he does not care about her. One thing is being disabled by no fault of one's own, but to let one partner in the marriage carry all the burden makes it no marriage at all! She is just being a masochist and will only leave him when the pain gets too much to bear. In the meantime I would get real good insurance on him because with his condition he will not last long. After cashing in on the insurance she can start loving his memory and saying great things about him. Right now he is not carrying his share of the load.

That's a really foolish, narrow minded, arrogantly superior point of view. By the same argument, every smoker, occasional drunk driver, drug addict, overeater, or non-exerciser, doesn't love his wife or kids. Yes, their behavior may not be as good as it should be, but that doesn't mean they're evil, unloving persons. We all have our own personality flaws.

Lots of people don't do the right thing for their own health. Or for that matter, they don't do the things that their loving spouse honestly thinks is right. That doesn't mean they don't love their spouse or their kids.

That kind of thinking leads to things like, "Honey, if you don't go on the Tom Cruise holistic, vegan, salt free, free range diet, you don't love me."

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04-14-2015 03:52 PM
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Mich Offline

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Post: #52
RE: Scared to death!
(04-14-2015 03:52 PM)archangle Wrote:  
(04-14-2015 02:04 PM)Mich Wrote:  This is going to sound harsh but there is absolutely no love in that marriage. His actions prove that he does not care about her. One thing is being disabled by no fault of one's own, but to let one partner in the marriage carry all the burden makes it no marriage at all! She is just being a masochist and will only leave him when the pain gets too much to bear. In the meantime I would get real good insurance on him because with his condition he will not last long. After cashing in on the insurance she can start loving his memory and saying great things about him. Right now he is not carrying his share of the load.

That's a really foolish, narrow minded, arrogantly superior point of view. By the same argument, every smoker, occasional drunk driver, drug addict, overeater, or non-exerciser, doesn't love his wife or kids. Yes, their behavior may not be as good as it should be, but that doesn't mean they're evil, unloving persons. We all have our own personality flaws.

Lots of people don't do the right thing for their own health. Or for that matter, they don't do the things that their loving spouse honestly thinks is right. That doesn't mean they don't love their spouse or their kids.

That kind of thinking leads to things like, "Honey, if you don't go on the Tom Cruise holistic, vegan, salt free, free range diet, you don't love me."


When you reward negative behavior you reinforce it, that is what "enabling" is. No one is perfect, however, putting up with a loved one's self-destructive behavior is definitely not going to help them! Read Post #1 and post #15 carefully, it is not about doing what she wants. It is about him being addicted to negative attention. That is my judgment call regardless of the labels you place on it. You are entitled to your opinion. I hope things work out for them.
(This post was last modified: 04-14-2015 05:30 PM by Mich.)
04-14-2015 05:27 PM
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SleepingDragon Offline

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Post: #53
RE: Scared to death!
I hate to admit this; however, I put my own wife thru some of what is happening to pgolson.
Wasn't until I was basically broken that I finally took action. Really, I just thought it was the late hours and simple lack of sleep. Not 96 - 100+ events an hour and never getting past stage-2 ! The director of the sleep lab call my pulmonologist at 6 in the morning after my study - and called me at 630 to tell me that orders had been called in to the DME... and I had a CPAP by that afternoon.

pgolson, is DH willing to let you goto a doctor's appointment with him?
Make a deal, if DH will let you talk to the Dr. and potentially have a sleep study done, then you wont mention it again - this is what my wife did. Of course, we both know what will happen... let him see that graph from the sleep study. I don't think that anything else will work until he either gets written up at work, hurts himself, or hurts someone else.

At some point, you are going to have to send one copy of that letter, via certified-return-receipt post, to DH's doctor. Mark the envelope "confidential for Dr. X's eyes only" send a cover letter indicating that you want your observations included in DH's medical records - they may need that information at some point in the future.

Wishing you the best - and sending a few prayers your way.

-Z
04-14-2015 07:42 PM
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Mark Douglas Offline

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Post: #54
RE: Scared to death!
(04-14-2015 05:27 PM)Mich Wrote:  
(04-14-2015 03:52 PM)archangle Wrote:  
(04-14-2015 02:04 PM)Mich Wrote:  This is going to sound harsh but there is absolutely no love in that marriage. His actions prove that he does not care about her. One thing is being disabled by no fault of one's own, but to let one partner in the marriage carry all the burden makes it no marriage at all! She is just being a masochist and will only leave him when the pain gets too much to bear. In the meantime I would get real good insurance on him because with his condition he will not last long. After cashing in on the insurance she can start loving his memory and saying great things about him. Right now he is not carrying his share of the load.

That's a really foolish, narrow minded, arrogantly superior point of view. By the same argument, every smoker, occasional drunk driver, drug addict, overeater, or non-exerciser, doesn't love his wife or kids. Yes, their behavior may not be as good as it should be, but that doesn't mean they're evil, unloving persons. We all have our own personality flaws.

Lots of people don't do the right thing for their own health. Or for that matter, they don't do the things that their loving spouse honestly thinks is right. That doesn't mean they don't love their spouse or their kids.

That kind of thinking leads to things like, "Honey, if you don't go on the Tom Cruise holistic, vegan, salt free, free range diet, you don't love me."


When you reward negative behavior you reinforce it, that is what "enabling" is. No one is perfect, however, putting up with a loved one's self-destructive behavior is definitely not going to help them! Read Post #1 and post #15 carefully, it is not about doing what she wants. It is about him being addicted to negative attention. That is my judgment call regardless of the labels you place on it. You are entitled to your opinion. I hope things work out for them.

One last comment and I will drop it.

IMO Mich absolutely correct. I was initially and remain most sympathetic. However after she told us her husband was thrown out of nursing school because he is a know-it-all (thanks goodness - how many people might he have killed in his arrogance?) I began to see the only chance she has to get to this man whom the filter would not let me fully describe was to protect herself and let him hit bottom. At which point he might open his mind. I am currently living the results of my unwillingness to treat my OSA. So is my wife. It was that realization that I was harming her that finally opened my mind. What will it take to open her husband's mind? Yes we all have our flaws. It is a matter of degree. I would argue his abuse of his wife goes way beyond having and extra piece of candy. If he wants to kill himself is his prerogative. To be real and present danger to others not so much.

"Your right to swing your arms ends just where the other man's nose begins."

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04-15-2015 09:58 AM
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AlanE Offline

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Post: #55
RE: Scared to death!
In before the lock...



Using FlashAir W-03 SD card in machine. Access through wifi with FlashPAP or Sleep Master utilities.

I wanted to learn Binary so I enrolled in Binary 101. I seemed to have missed the first four courses. Big Grinnie
04-15-2015 10:02 AM
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archangle Offline
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Post: #56
RE: Scared to death!
(04-15-2015 09:58 AM)Mark Douglas Wrote:  IMO Mich absolutely correct. I was initially and remain most sympathetic. However after she told us her husband was thrown out of nursing school because he is a know-it-all (thanks goodness - how many people might he have killed in his arrogance?) I began to see the only chance she has to get to this man whom the filter would not let me fully describe was to protect herself and let him hit bottom. At which point he might open his mind. I am currently living the results of my unwillingness to treat my OSA. So is my wife. It was that realization that I was harming her that finally opened my mind. What will it take to open her husband's mind? Yes we all have our flaws. It is a matter of degree. I would argue his abuse of his wife goes way beyond having and extra piece of candy. If he wants to kill himself is his prerogative. To be real and present danger to others not so much.

"Your right to swing your arms ends just where the other man's nose begins."

Assume for the moment he's really an ahole.

She loves him and doesn't want to leave him.

What's her best chance of helping him?

She's tried talking to the doctor. I think contacting the police or his insurance are more likely to make things worse than better.

The best options I can think of, given the above limitations, are gentle persuasion over time and some degree of support. Unfortunately, pushing too hard can lead to the perception of "my crazy wife is nagging, I will ignore her."

Ugly situation. Unfortunately, it's a common situation and we haven't found any very good options.

Pgolson, I wish you the best and will offer what help I can. Maybe something will wake him up over time and you can help then. Hopefully, it's not a heart attack or car accident that wakes him up.

Get the free SleepyHead software here.
Useful links.
Click here for information on the main alternative to CPAP.
If it's midnight and a DME tells you it's dark outside, go and check it yourself.
04-15-2015 04:40 PM
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