(07-16-2015 06:08 AM)mzdawn74 Wrote: But, what I am looking for is reassurance.
I feel like I'm so far in the tunnel that there will never be any light at the end..
Let me also chime in to reassure you.
Things may seem a lot worse than they are because you are actively researching and learning about your problems. That means every day you know more about what's wrong than you did the day before, maybe tried one more thing that hasn't helped, bumped into one more wall or jumped one more hurdle and you are not yet to the finish line. We won't use the word obsession but let's agree that you are much more focused on your problems than maybe you were a short time ago. That's not a bad thing, but can you see how this can make them appear bigger even though they are the same as they were before you began to study them?
What if you were to reframe how you see this whole situation?
Here are some thoughts that I hope are helpful:
1. you are now more aware of the problems *and* you also have more information than ever before about potential solutions
2. you are actively pursuing the solutions that will help you get better, and you are learning more about them every day as well
3. not all solutions work the same for everyone, so you are working through the alternatives to find your best ones, and believe me your solutions are out there
4. you mention some key dates (next psych appt, doctor back in the office, etc) and these make you feel hopeless because of how far, far away they are with all the problems facing you today
5. one of the things that makes people spin out and panic is they feel like they have no control over what's happening and too many issues staring them in the face uncertain if they could ever be resolved. let's break this down into smaller, discrete parts so they are not so big and scary.
6. part of gaining composure about all this is to know that you are working each issue and you have defined a way ahead for each one
7. So, first, realize that you are taking control of what is happening. some dates are not today, but you have made definite appointments with doctors who work with you on each issue on a certain date, and you are taking steps every day that you believe will improve your situation such as using your CPAP machine and taking prescribed meds. Don't discount this, some people curl up in a fetal position, but you are taking charge and doing things to help yourself.
8. sometimes it helps to tell yourself I won't panic about this today, and give yourself a date with permission to revisit that decision. It's too hard to say I won't panic about all my problems ever, but it might be okay to say one at a time I won't panic about this one problem today, and pick a day (after you meet with the doc for each issue) to say on that day I will reconsider my situation on this one issue. Do that for each one of your issues separately. It might help to write them down with actions and dates so you can look back and reassure yourself that these are not loose ends but each one has a way ahead.
9. once you have all of your issues in a mental cubby hole with a date when you will allow yourself to worry about it again, then you might find it is less overwhelming because you won't be facing all these unresolved issues at the same time. Each one has a time frame and a plan.
10. now that you have determined when and in what order you are addressing all of your issues, you can put the ones you can't do something about today on the shelf and they won't cause you to panic anymore. Then you can focus on one that you *can* do something about today.
11. pick one thing you can do today that will improve your situation or bring you some small pleasure and do it. today. It will help lift your spirits and give you a better sense that things are not out of control because you are taking action.
12. maybe try wearing your pillows and turn on the machine while you are awake for some time during the day, it will help your body get used to it and remove one more thing that prevents you from sleeping at night. every little bit helps, and you might feel a little more in control because you are taking action to help.
13. trust that the machine is doing something beneficial, breathing new life into your tired body, filling you with life giving oxygen, giving your body what it needs to repair itself, every night. everyone doesn't get the same day 1 experience. Frankly I was one who had a great day 1, and on day 20 I was wishing day 1 would come back (you can read about it if you go look me up). Then after a little more time I reached a baseline where I feel much better, alert, clearheaded almost every day now. So realize that day 1 is not as important as getting better, and you are getting better.
14. Consider this: When you have an infection and take some antibiotics you don't usually feel better on day 1, right? But you trust that it's working even though you can't feel it yet, and you believe that after it's had time to work a little that the healing will come. Give this therapy a chance to run its course and trust that it is working inside you every day to make you better.
15. don't be afraid that you post here too much. You understand the limits of what this board can offer you (solid advice about everything apnea, lots of encouragement from people who have come before you, many of them deeply depressed, who took control of small things one at a time, and are now feeling better) and what it cannot (medical advice). So take advantage of this great resource for all the help and encouragement we can provide. There are hundreds of people who log on every day, so if some have given all the time they can give that day, there are others who will step up and engage with you. Most of us have been through some version of what you are going through and we are here to tell you that it's going to get better for you.
16. (arghh this is a long one, sorry..) Your profile says you are in San Diego, one of my favorite places I used to visit. When I would travel to San Diego on business one of my favorite things before or after work was to visit Shelter Island (or even stay in a hotel on the island). Each day I would take some time before or after work to walk or drive around, smell the fresh salt air, watch the boats and ships and birds, see the gentle dancing of the masts of all the sail boats docked in the harbor. I don't know about you but doing that got me off to a great day or helped me shed the crud from a day of meetings. It's a great way to clear out some head trash. But if that's not your thing, then do something that is. You deserve a break each day to clear your head just a little. And I know you probably don't feel like doing it. Near the end for me I lost interest in all the little things that used to bring me pleasure. Now it's been 90 days on CPAP therapy and they are gradually returning. So even if you don't feel like it, or have a hard time remembering what you like to do... dig through the cobwebs and find one of yours and then do it. Try to find one every day for however little time you have that day, just to try and reconnect with what makes life enjoyable for you. If you are too down and this seems to backfire, then back off, but think about it every day. I don't know how many days sooner I could have been doing things I used to like because I didn't look for them after starting CPAP therapy. You are on therapy and it's going to get better, so be on the lookout for these things each day and maybe you will find them sooner than I did.
mzdawn74, please know, think about, realize, that despite how it feels right now, you are on a good path and in good company (on this forum) of people who have faced similar issues and many of us knew the hoplessness and desperation you sense. You might not find one person who has precisely all of your issues, but I am certain that in different measures and mixes we collectively have been through what you are going through. And we are here to tell you that it's going to get better.
btw, did I mention don't give up because it's going to get better.